A parent never expects to leave the hospital without their baby. That is what we had to do; in just an instant our hopes and dreams for you were lost. The day you were born was such a bittersweet experience that i will never forget.
On the 7th of March i was induced due to several complications. You were struggling to grow as a subchronic haematoma (blood clot) had formed between the uterus wall and the placenta, it grew to 18cms causing my membranes to rupture and my placenta to partially separate. This resulted in excessive bleeding that could not be stopped
After 4 long days of labor and 4 units of blood, you entered this world so silently..... you were sleeping.
At 21 weeks and 5 days gestation your chances of surviving labor were so slim but we held onto every glimmer of hope we had.....i just wanted you to breath.
You were so perfect in every way and would have completed our family! You took my breath away.
10 fingers i will never hold again and 10 toes that will never walk on this earth. We had a day to create memories that would have to last a lifetime, we had a day to love and hold you in our arms, we had a day to say hello and good bye.
I lost a part of myself the day you left. Saying hello and goodbye for the first and last time was heart wrenching, devastating, shattering, lonely... it tore us apart; words cannot describe the feeling of loosing your child.
We never got to tell you things that parents are meant to say. We will never know your eye color, or what your first word would have been.We had to choose the one and only outfit you would ever wear, how can a parent take all of this in when it is something you have never even contemplated happening to you?
There are so many if's and could have been's. Not a day goes by that i don't think of you little man. You are my first thought of a morning and my last thought at night.
They say it gets easier with time, i don't believe them. I believe it gets harder! The tears still flow and my heart still aches. Everything reminds me of you in some way.
Jie i find myself thinking of you today as i try to hold back the tears. Is it ever going to get easier? It has been 3 months since i held you in my arms and already it feels like a lifetime.
On the 7th of March i was induced due to several complications. You were struggling to grow as a subchronic haematoma (blood clot) had formed between the uterus wall and the placenta, it grew to 18cms causing my membranes to rupture and my placenta to partially separate. This resulted in excessive bleeding that could not be stopped
After 4 long days of labor and 4 units of blood, you entered this world so silently..... you were sleeping.
At 21 weeks and 5 days gestation your chances of surviving labor were so slim but we held onto every glimmer of hope we had.....i just wanted you to breath.
You were so perfect in every way and would have completed our family! You took my breath away.
10 fingers i will never hold again and 10 toes that will never walk on this earth. We had a day to create memories that would have to last a lifetime, we had a day to love and hold you in our arms, we had a day to say hello and good bye.
I lost a part of myself the day you left. Saying hello and goodbye for the first and last time was heart wrenching, devastating, shattering, lonely... it tore us apart; words cannot describe the feeling of loosing your child.
We never got to tell you things that parents are meant to say. We will never know your eye color, or what your first word would have been.We had to choose the one and only outfit you would ever wear, how can a parent take all of this in when it is something you have never even contemplated happening to you?
There are so many if's and could have been's. Not a day goes by that i don't think of you little man. You are my first thought of a morning and my last thought at night.
They say it gets easier with time, i don't believe them. I believe it gets harder! The tears still flow and my heart still aches. Everything reminds me of you in some way.
Jie i find myself thinking of you today as i try to hold back the tears. Is it ever going to get easier? It has been 3 months since i held you in my arms and already it feels like a lifetime.
I miss you so much, but i know some day we will be together again where i can hold you in my arms forever. But for now we need to make the memories last!
Loving you always and forever!
Did doctors ever say there was complications ? Atleast you know what caused this but I have to ask myself that question each day and as you told me your son is in your mind when you wake up until you go back to sleep I am the same. I don't know what happend to my baby I just began to feel very ill one morning very weak, nauseas, back ache very terrible back ache, and fever, high blood pressure, and heart acceleration. Its because my baby was dead for almost 1 week inside of me her dead cells were killing me my white blood cells were dying if I would of styed home 1 more day I think I could of died.
ReplyDeleteYes i had complications from 6 weeks pregnant but not once did i ever expect my baby not to make it or come home with me. Despite having complications early on the medical care we received was certainly not up to standards. We endured a very traumatic 5 months with me requiring several blood transfusions over that time. I too am lucky to still be here for my little girl. It just breaks my heart to know that my baby boy could possibly still be here if my OB did her job properly. We have actually started a medical negligence case against her which i have currently put on hold as we have just found out we are expecting our rainbow baby.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you too have had to go on this journey of grief and find the new you. What country are you from? Do you have much support?
Yeah I began with pain due to gallstones and they put me on a gallbladder diet and lost 30 pounds in like 2 months. I live in USA and you? Oh so your expecting right now? I want to wait atleast 2 to 3 years and well I have to get my gallbladder removed for now. I know what you mean you have to look up for your daughter I have my son and I just wanted to go home to be with him. Only us that been threw it really know how it feels. Well I think I might need some counseling . I suffered medical negligance as well because my baby did not have amniotic fluid and ob never told me that always said the baby was fine if they would of warned me I probably wouldn't of been soo shoked
ReplyDeleteSamantha I feel bad. As a woman who witnessed her baby sister...or could've been baby sister die I know your pain. I too had given birth to a child like Jie. I had low fluid I had bad bleeding. Not knowing what happened I just thought about my Stillborn Mary and my father who died just today. I miss him so. I just wish I could've seen him. I had pictures of me in my FB profile. If you have one you can add me an we could talk about it. It's good to get the sad past weight of your chest. I send my baby girl and father and baby sister balloons in Heaven or how it's spelled ( I'm a bad speller ) I just wish I could've seen her eye color and see her first steps and hear her talk. Not knowing what her first words could've been. Or how she'd look aches my heart. Samantha just be glad your not alone... Sisterhood forever!
ReplyDelete- The Empty Soul