Thursday 16 June 2011
Saturday 11 June 2011
3 months since you grew your wings
I woke up again today to another dark, cold, miserable, wet day. But in a sad way it felt good; like the world was mourning with me.
It has been 3 months today since you grew your wings, i still grieve for you everyday. I miss you so much and am still trying to find answers. My doctor informed us at a check up appointment that they had lost my placenta so no tests had been done on it. His words were, 'they have probably thrown it in the bin'. We are left angry and confused. These tests were the only hope we had of finding out what went wrong, why this Subcorionic Hematoma grew so big instead of resolving, and why you could not be saved.
When you left us my world stood still... these past 3 months have been a blur, i have trouble focusing for more than a couple of minutes at a time.
There is rarely a moment when im not thinking of you, yet those moments still hurt just as much. I feel so lost without you. This isnt how it is supposed to be!
In 4 weeks and 6 days from now we should be proud parents welcoming you into this world, taking our baby home with us, anticipating that first smile... that first word ...and those first steps. Not feeling so sad and empty thinking about what should have been.
Time has not healed the pain of loosing you at all, but i am learning not to cry everyday now. I can at least hold back the tears untill i get to the car, or am on my own. I can laugh a little when we have friends and family around but it is still you i am still thinking of.
Loosing a loved one is always hard to deal with, but when it is your child it is so much harder to accept. The feelings are so intense....
I will never be the same person, i lost a part of myself that day, but i hope one day there will be more good days than bad and i can learn to accept the 'new normal'!
Missing you always baby boy
Goodnight...... XOXO
It has been 3 months today since you grew your wings, i still grieve for you everyday. I miss you so much and am still trying to find answers. My doctor informed us at a check up appointment that they had lost my placenta so no tests had been done on it. His words were, 'they have probably thrown it in the bin'. We are left angry and confused. These tests were the only hope we had of finding out what went wrong, why this Subcorionic Hematoma grew so big instead of resolving, and why you could not be saved.
When you left us my world stood still... these past 3 months have been a blur, i have trouble focusing for more than a couple of minutes at a time.
There is rarely a moment when im not thinking of you, yet those moments still hurt just as much. I feel so lost without you. This isnt how it is supposed to be!
In 4 weeks and 6 days from now we should be proud parents welcoming you into this world, taking our baby home with us, anticipating that first smile... that first word ...and those first steps. Not feeling so sad and empty thinking about what should have been.
Time has not healed the pain of loosing you at all, but i am learning not to cry everyday now. I can at least hold back the tears untill i get to the car, or am on my own. I can laugh a little when we have friends and family around but it is still you i am still thinking of.
Loosing a loved one is always hard to deal with, but when it is your child it is so much harder to accept. The feelings are so intense....
I will never be the same person, i lost a part of myself that day, but i hope one day there will be more good days than bad and i can learn to accept the 'new normal'!
Missing you always baby boy
Goodnight...... XOXO
Wednesday 8 June 2011
My Beautiful Little Man
A parent never expects to leave the hospital without their baby. That is what we had to do; in just an instant our hopes and dreams for you were lost. The day you were born was such a bittersweet experience that i will never forget.
On the 7th of March i was induced due to several complications. You were struggling to grow as a subchronic haematoma (blood clot) had formed between the uterus wall and the placenta, it grew to 18cms causing my membranes to rupture and my placenta to partially separate. This resulted in excessive bleeding that could not be stopped
After 4 long days of labor and 4 units of blood, you entered this world so silently..... you were sleeping.
At 21 weeks and 5 days gestation your chances of surviving labor were so slim but we held onto every glimmer of hope we had.....i just wanted you to breath.
You were so perfect in every way and would have completed our family! You took my breath away.
10 fingers i will never hold again and 10 toes that will never walk on this earth. We had a day to create memories that would have to last a lifetime, we had a day to love and hold you in our arms, we had a day to say hello and good bye.
I lost a part of myself the day you left. Saying hello and goodbye for the first and last time was heart wrenching, devastating, shattering, lonely... it tore us apart; words cannot describe the feeling of loosing your child.
We never got to tell you things that parents are meant to say. We will never know your eye color, or what your first word would have been.We had to choose the one and only outfit you would ever wear, how can a parent take all of this in when it is something you have never even contemplated happening to you?
There are so many if's and could have been's. Not a day goes by that i don't think of you little man. You are my first thought of a morning and my last thought at night.
They say it gets easier with time, i don't believe them. I believe it gets harder! The tears still flow and my heart still aches. Everything reminds me of you in some way.
Jie i find myself thinking of you today as i try to hold back the tears. Is it ever going to get easier? It has been 3 months since i held you in my arms and already it feels like a lifetime.
On the 7th of March i was induced due to several complications. You were struggling to grow as a subchronic haematoma (blood clot) had formed between the uterus wall and the placenta, it grew to 18cms causing my membranes to rupture and my placenta to partially separate. This resulted in excessive bleeding that could not be stopped
After 4 long days of labor and 4 units of blood, you entered this world so silently..... you were sleeping.
At 21 weeks and 5 days gestation your chances of surviving labor were so slim but we held onto every glimmer of hope we had.....i just wanted you to breath.
You were so perfect in every way and would have completed our family! You took my breath away.
10 fingers i will never hold again and 10 toes that will never walk on this earth. We had a day to create memories that would have to last a lifetime, we had a day to love and hold you in our arms, we had a day to say hello and good bye.
I lost a part of myself the day you left. Saying hello and goodbye for the first and last time was heart wrenching, devastating, shattering, lonely... it tore us apart; words cannot describe the feeling of loosing your child.
We never got to tell you things that parents are meant to say. We will never know your eye color, or what your first word would have been.We had to choose the one and only outfit you would ever wear, how can a parent take all of this in when it is something you have never even contemplated happening to you?
There are so many if's and could have been's. Not a day goes by that i don't think of you little man. You are my first thought of a morning and my last thought at night.
They say it gets easier with time, i don't believe them. I believe it gets harder! The tears still flow and my heart still aches. Everything reminds me of you in some way.
Jie i find myself thinking of you today as i try to hold back the tears. Is it ever going to get easier? It has been 3 months since i held you in my arms and already it feels like a lifetime.
I miss you so much, but i know some day we will be together again where i can hold you in my arms forever. But for now we need to make the memories last!
Loving you always and forever!
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